From: DIEGO GARCIA, CHAGOS ARCHIPELAGO, BRITISH INDIAN OCEAN TERRITORY To: THE LOVED ONES OF Subj: DIEGO GARCIA; READJUSTMENT FROM THE RIGORS OF
1. In the very near future the undersigned will once again be in your midst, dehydrated and demoralized, to take his place again as a human being with those blessed inalienable rights to life, liberty, and the somewhat delayed pursuit of happiness. In making your joyous preparations to welcome him back into organized society, you might take certain steps to make allowances for the crude, in other words, he might be a little bit drifty from Diego Garcia-itis and oversea-itis, and should be handled with care. Do not be alarmed if he is infected with all forms of tropical diseases. They are psychological, and a little time in civilization will cure his maladies. Also remember his loneliness, and do your best to make up for him being away.
2. Your Seabee's eating habits will be unpredictable and variable, as he re-discovers that roast beef doesn't have to taste like pork chops. Don't show surprise if he: insists on eating with plastic forks, knives and spoons, paper plates and styrofoam cups; puts catsup on everything; refuses to drink fresh milk or eat crispy french fries; takes no special notice of outdoor barbecues; or craves big macs or pizza.
3. His personal and hygiene habits may have changed over the course of eight months also. He may insist on: wearing cutoffs or gym shorts and a tee-shirt with his shower shoes; taking showers in the back yard under a garden hose in the dark; sweeping the sand from beneath his rack in the morning; making his rack with neat 45 degree angles; doing jumping jacks, arm circles, and trunk benders after breakfast, and following that with a jog around the block; leaving a quarter in the refrigerator after taking a coke; or filling the toilet tank with a garden hose.
4. Don't show surprise or alarm if he: looks around for a mount out box to sit on when offered a chair; wakes you up in the middle of the night for a fire watch; can't walk past a tin roof without throwing a rock on it; hates plywood in all forms; pays no attention to numerous flies; says "over" after each sentence while being romantic over the telephone; heads for the fire station at the sound of a siren; gets jumpy on Wednesday and Saturday while waiting for mail call; goes on nocturnal journeys to the beach armed with flashlight, canvas bag, and gloves to search for cowry shells; looks for the end of the line at the exchange; or calls trailers or mobile homes "Porta Huts" with some disdain.
5. Going to a movie with your Seabee may be a traumatic experience, so be prepared if he: complains at having to pay to get in; throws beer cans and cigarette butts at the screen; whistles and hollers at the love scenes; shouts unkind remarks about the projectionists ancestors when the film breaks or a bulb goes out; or leaves for the theatre half an hour early to get a good seat.
6. Your Seabee may rip the doors from the family car, try to put it in four wheel drive, and take off across hill, vale and sand dune as he has been doing with Jeeps, five ton dumps and weapons carriers for the past eight months. He will invariably honk twice when backing up, and will have to be retrained to start the car with a key and not with a starter button. He will not be used to windshield wipers that work, ash trays in the dash, automatic transmissions, power steering and brakes, shock absorbers, or mufflers. In no time at all, however, he should be used to everything but the price of gas.
7. Some DO's and DON'Ts to remember in helping your Seabee adjust to his new life: DO praise him when he goes through an entire sentence without using an expletive, as he will be making a very conscious effort to improve his vocabulary. DON'T be alarmed if he refers to you or others as &%$'#&$%'s, as it is just his way of showing affection. DO get him out of the house should the power fail or the water be secured. DON''T mention the words "MARS" and "DOWN" in the same breath. DO bear with him if he seems to spend an awful lot of time seeing what's on the other TV channels. And DON'T under any circumstances, ask him to take you to the beach.
8. Never ask why Mrs. Jones' husband held a higher rank or rate than he did, and by no means mention the term "extended." And also refrain from mentioning "going back," for all of these are shocking terms to him at this time, and may destroy all the progress you have made with him.
9. Above all, keep in mind that beneath that tanned and rugged exterior, there is a heart of gold (probably the only thing of value he has left). Treat him with kindness, tolerance, and an occasional fifth of good liquor and you will be able to rehabilitate that which once was (and now is a hollow shell of) the happy-go-lucky guy you once knew and still love.
10. Last, but by no means least, send no more mail to the FPO, fill the ice box with beer, get the civvies out of moth balls, fill the car with gas, and get the women and children off the streets......
BECAUSE THE KID IS COMING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!
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